What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 04:40
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Ive learnt so much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It was going to be , some day.
We were not on the streets..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
She married twice! .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I don,t even have a pension.
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was very sick at this time too.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was in good health!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He knew the spot.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My family never makes their pension either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I think the readers, may guess!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!